There it was. The email reminder that I needed to renew my subscription to WordPress if I wanted to keep my blog alive. I tried to imagine allowing The Tall Mom blog to be buried along side the millions of dead blog pages in cyberspace. I mean, she wouldn’t be alone. She would even be among some incredibly high quality company. There are REALLY great blogs out there resting in the digital graveyard.
Could I justify paying money for this hobby I’d been ignoring for seven months? The vast majority of the last year I’ve filled my time with a plethora of things…none of them blogging.
As you are reading this, you know what final decision I eventually made. Yep. I forked over the money.
Because…sometimes we need to do things for ourselves without qualifying them. We need to do them simply because they bring us joy.
There was definitely a time in my life when I earnestly felt I had to earn all the good things in my life. Be it a slice of cake, a compliment, or simple pride—I had a mental flow chart each “good thing” had to pass through to be “honestly earned”. I can only imagine how frustrating that must have been for the people in my life.
Friend: “I’m craving french fries!”
Me: Me too, but I haven’t worked out in a week. “Get some! I’ll have a salad.”
Him: “You look beautiful in that dress.”
Me: Well, I’m not as beautiful as __________. “No, I don’t.”
New Acquaintance: “I work for __________. What do you do?
Me: I don’t have a real job. “JUST some part-time work and take care of kids.”
I shudder to think how much joy was squandered because of the jacked up mental gymnastics routine I’d created in order to “allow” myself to just. be. freaking. happy.
My old habits began to work their evil ways as I considered renewing my blog. I don’t have anything to say worth reading. No one has missed it. Blogging isn’t current. People judge you when you put your ideas—yourself—out there.
To this, my getting-louder-than-the-head-wench self replied:
- Isn’t your writing/blogging really just for you? Do YOU enjoy the process of blogging?
- Have YOU missed it?
- Instead of worrying about being current, how about just being YOU?
- People will judge you anyway.
My getting-louder-than-the-head-wench self makes some sense sometimes. I beginning to really like that woman.
It may have taken decades, but it feels damn good to be in a space where I can recognize I love to write—that my writing doesn’t have to be good by anyone else’s standards. It can be good because it makes ME feel good.
That email was the kick in the ass I needed. I can’t explain why hashing out my inner workings for the world to read makes me feel more like myself, but it does. And that friends, is THE THING.
The thing is…being more yourself is what it’s all about. Doing the things that bring us joy are unique to each of us, and we don’t need to earn joy. We don’t need to earn the right to be who we are. That is a subscription we all get for free if we’re brave enough to cash it in.