Secrets

secrets photo

It’s the time of year for secrets and I’ve been keeping them lately. For me, the person who wears her heart on her sleeve and pours her thoughts into thousand word blog posts, this keeping of secrets, it is significant.

On any given day, I have a list. There are things expected of me. While I may not have a manager or boss who will reprimand me for slack-ass effort, I do have four other humans who will notice my lack of productivity.

Recently, I’ve been more than disenchanted with my list of daily responsibilities. I’m tired. Mostly, I’m tired of being busy. Things are better than they have been in the past, but it still isn’t good enough. I want more room to breathe.

And so, I’m rebelling.

The laundry is piling up. The dog hair is starting to collect in such a way as to give the effect of carpeted carpet. Dinners have been left to my last minute creativity, which means bowls of oatmeal and canned soup are menu staples. There are other orders of business I’ve been ignoring too. I tell myself; one day soon I’ll get to that business.

Or…maybe, I won’t.

Instead of diligently keeping to my list, I’ve been taking extra time in the shower, just a few extra minutes under the steam feel like luxury simply because they aren’t rushed. I’ve been dozing off in the rocking chair with my two-year-old at naptime, lingering in the comfort of his weight against my chest. Yesterday I went for a walk just because the sun was shining. I met an old friend for coffee and my older kids for lunch. It was no one’s birthday, nothing special, but it felt special because it was unexpected. I spent an entire hour on my phone looking at photos of Wyoming because I like them. I’ve been sipping wine at the computer in the late hours of the night working on a project that makes me feel like, maybe, just maybe, I might actually know what I want to be when I grow up.

All these little secrets, they add up. And while they create a deficit of time for attending to my to-do list, they exponentially richen my days. And I’ve realized life happens in the single moments of each day, whether we are paying attention and enjoying them or not.

Now my secrets are out. This holiday season, should you stop by for a visit, and I hope you do, I may have to clear a spot on the couch for you to sit, and do not be surprised if when you leave, you are covered in dog hair. I may only be serving wine and oatmeal. But, please know, I’ll be here, breathing in your visit, soaking in the time I have with you. You are likely one of my secrets too.